Poem for Elliott

The Year 1997

WHEN I WAS IN REHAB I ESTABLISHED A BOND BETWEEN SEVERAL YOUNG MEN WHO SEEM TO TAKE TOO ME LIKE A MOM.  I DIDN’T FEEL THE CLINIC DID THE RIGHT THING REGARDING A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS.   BOTH HAVE DIED. THE FOLLOWING WAS A POEM I WROTE ELLIOTT.  WE  HAD FORMED A SPECIAL BOND. WE BOTH HAD BIPOLAR AND ALCOHOLIC.

My heart has been with you from the very begging

We both met at a time confusion and pain

We were bound by friendship we shared

Through tears of sorrow and compassion – we leaned on each other

The clinic tried to pull us apart

Our friendship was too strong

We  shared more in a moment then most have shared in a day

Elliott, I know God is holding your hand – please don’t let go

Talk to him – he does listen

It may not happen over night, but he is by your side just as I am, and I always will be.
THE CLINIC LET ELLIOTT OUT – HE COMMITTED SUICIDE

 

1997 Part 1 Story Of Living in Mental or Detox Insititute-What was it?

When I was went to mental hospital I was admitted in the wrong place, at least that’s what I thought.  I was put in with the people who had drinking and drug problems.  I felt that I should of been in the section where people have  depression. After all I did try to commit suicide.  By the way, I did not know I had bipolar until I entered the hospital.   Thought:  If you feel something is wrong get help.

I had met several young men, called Guy #1 and Guy #2, who had serious drug and alcohol problems.  One had bipolar that was very very bad.  I’ve never seen anything like it.

The three of us became very good friends, and I became what you call a caregiver.  I got in so much trouble.  They would say, “They’re  men and you need to stay away and take care of yourself.  I couldn’t help it and I felt they were being treated wrong.

There was a young man name  Guy #2,  who was tripping out and  needed his drugs.  He would lay in my lap trying very hard not to think about it.  Then, the scouts would tell him to get away from me.  He was misbehaving a lot and the doctors were threatening to put him out. I told them don’t do that he  might do harm do himself.

Guy #1 had bipolar and was very depressed as well.  The two always came to me for comfort.  Their parents didn’t seem to understand and I knew exactly how they felt.  No one understands Bipolar except the person that is having to live the hell.  Even today, my parents don’t understand me nor my actions.

I was in the mental institute for 6 weeks or more and it was not fun.  I got out a couple of times and relapsed.  Someone even accused me of bringing drugs in – I couldn’t believe that!  It was like a nightmare!  There’s so much to tell on this experience and have decided to tell a bit of it.

First, about Guy #2.  They did let him out.  He OD.

 

Sorry, It’s Been So Long

I haven’t been writing because I’m dealing with another problem and have a lot of emotional baggage.  I can’t even come up with a design for my jewelry.  I’ve joined a bipolar group and have signed up to see if I can be accepted in a research trial on a new drug for bipolar.  I’ve been told I have dual Bipolar – manic and alcohol addict.  I didn’t know what the name was but it all fits.  Every time I felt anxious, sad, overwhelmed or any kind of emotion that I get with bipolar I want to drink to make it go away.  I’m on to something and I’m compulsively seeking help.  That’s what I do.  I will let you know how my appointment will go and if I get accepted into the research.  I will get free therapy, blood tests, drugs, and even paid for it.  Sounds good to me.

When I was in rehab they didn’t discuss too much about the bipolar, but about the drinking.  I still think if they had treated the depression and bipolar, I might not be drinking.  That’s what this new drug does it stops the craving of alcohol so you can calm down.  I hope I get it.  If this works it’s been a long time coming.  I’m mad that I spent all that time in rehab and no one treated the bipolar.  Only with all kinds of medications.  People that came to see me couldn’t believe what they saw. I was a zombie.  I was in my own little world there and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ll be back with more.

 

I ALMOST LET LIFE PAST LIFE – DREAMS

 

I almost let my life past me by. I was in a rut. Go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, and go to bed. Wake up and go to work again to the same boring job. I worked as an administrative assistant in several fields through out my life in adverting, marketing, sales, you name I did it. I had all this experience, but could never put it to use since I didn’t have a degree. So days went by. I was getting more depressed. I found out I had a chronic deadly disease and bipolar. This didn’t make me feel any better so I just pretended I didn’t have it, and that wasn’t a good idea.

I had great opportunities when I was in my twenty’s. I modeled, run way modeling, movies, commercials, etc., but I couldn’t really pursue any of it. I had to raise my son on my own and two, I had to work full time in order to raise us. We lived in low income housing for a long time. I then got ill and was in the hospital on and off for a year, and almost lost my life. Unfortunately, I had to make the decision to let my son go live with his father, because I was too sick to take care of him. I felt so bad like I was a bad mom, but I knew it was for the best. When he was in high school, I went to his entire track and basketball activities, watched him graduate. Then, one day he told me he was going into the army. I was so sad I didn’t want to let him go! He was my only child. What if something happened to him? I would just die.

My son was in the army for 6 long years. It was a miserable six years doing nothing but worrying about it and having terrible nightmares. During that time I was just working and letting the days go by. Nothing exciting in my life. I couldn’t even have a relationship. My son finally came home, but then he left again with a fantastic job on the east coast. I felt so lonely. It’s like I never got to watch him grow up. Never met his girl friends, and never experiencing what most moms’ have with their children.

I was now in my fifty’s and the days were going by faster. I was very unhappy and didn’t feel like I had anything to make my son proud or leave behind. Then I decided I was going to make my dreams come true. I wanted to pursue my photography, make jewelry and have a business that I could call my own. I want to have a little store one day and let my son share it with me. I want to move to the east coast to be with my family. All these things were just turning in my head. But how could I do these things? I had to make a living to pay for my rent, my car and all of my bills. How? Then, something snapped in my head, or was it that little voice in my head.

The day I found out I was going to have a grand baby was the happiest day in my life except for the day my own son was born. But now, I had a family I can call my own. I went to visit them over Christmas and that was the best feeling in my life. I want more of it. I’ve been missing out on so much in my life. Last year, I got let go at this company and said that’s it. Now’s the time. This little voice in my head, which I now believe is my God, telling me it was time. He’s been grooming me all this time to finally take control of my own life and do the things that he brought me in this world to do. I have something to give and that’s giving love and creativity, and showing the world that I can be anybody I want to be. I always told my son that he could be anything he wanted to be he just had to work at it. I should have listened to myself a long time ago. I’m listening now.

So here I sit happy as a lark. I’m making my jewelry, using my photography skills, writing, going to estate sales and flea markets. The things I love I truly love to do that makes me feel so fulfilled. I may not be rich, but I’m getting educated on things that I would never of had if I continued on the same career path. I have the time to get to be – ME. I love being independent with free will to say what I want, to make what I want, and do what I want. I’m free. I still suffer from bipolar and probably always will but I’m working on it. It takes a long of strength to get by each day, and I have to work harder than some people do, but I now know what I want. I love what I’m doing and I will never give it up, because I now know what I’m doing with my life. One day, I will finally be with my family and life will be so good. How about you?