My Drinking has Slowed – But My Life is Still a Turmoil

I moved into my family’s house about 5 months ago when my life changed in a split second.  You never know what life will hand you so I now never take it for granted.  I was trolling for many years by abusing alcohol and cigarettes and just sitting and being alone in my apartment.  Staying away from people, because I didn’t want them to look at me or say anything I might not like.  I would just get my bottles of wine and sit on the corner of my couch with my glass of wine.  First, I would cover my couch with the insight that when I smoked it would not stink it up.   Alcohol can really screw your mine up with some wild imaginations.

That one moment that changed was when my dad almost lost his life. He ended up in the hospital in a comatose condition. We were with him all day and night and I immediately went home to get a bottle of wine.  But while drinking it I thought how selfish I was.  My dad was in a hospital and he may die.  I put that glass up and went to bed so I could get up early to go see dad.

My dad didn’t even know I was there.  For a week I bathed him, changed his diapers, and fed him.  I forgot about my problems they were not as important as my dads at that time.  I went home that day and did not drink.  Instead , I packed and when to stay with my mom who needed me.

Since that time my life has completely changed.  I have moved in and now take care of them.  The changing factor.  My mom looks like a replicate of me.  At 3pm she pours herself a glass of wine – with ice and water, she says.  I ask her why do you drink. “Because I’m 82 years old and it helps me go to sleep.  She actually told me to leave her alone and she will do what she wants.  The difference between she and I – After the 3 small drinks, she does go to bed around 7pm.  Lately, I tried drinking some of her wine. It doesn’t appeal to me any more and after one small glass, I fall asleep.   I have not had a cigarette to this day.

Life can change when you are not expecting it.  Just do not fear it.  Take it as it comes.  I do not miss those days sitting on my couch drowning myself in wine and  putting that stupid blanket on my  couch.  Now my life is a little more pleasant.  But my life still has changed.

I have bipolar.  I now know that bipolar was was of the biggest causes of my drinking.  If you would like read about it you can go the Journaling for Therapy, which should be linked here.

 

My Bipolar Is Screwing With My Mind!

I have been doing really good with my bipolar.  I don’t get stressed or worried.  Calm and serene.  Lately that has been tarnished.  I had to move in with my parents – no money, plus to take care of them.  I left my other part time job and moved on to another.  The other job was totally no stress no micromanagement or any one dictating to me all the time.  I work on my eBay business, but that’s mine and I love doing it.

I needed money to pay bills so I took a job as marketing and sales manager working about 3 days a week. That shouldn’t be bad, right?  Wrong, I’m stressed.  Today, my mine totally blocked out everything I knew.  I couldn’t remember how to do something on this program I just learned.  I mean no memory.  I could feel my body tensing up and wanting to run out the door.  I don’t like this man, the owner.  He listens to everything and doesn’t really think I can do anything.  That makes me crazy and I believe I can.  I just want to quit.   I get anxiety every time I think about the job or doing work for them.   They want me to make sales calls 100 calls in three days!  I can’t do it!

I don’t want to do any thing that triggers my manic depression.  This does.  When I come home I want to drink.  I’m trying very hard not to go there.  I haven’t smoked in 5 months and I wanted a cigarette.  I guess stress my trigger.

Lately, I’ve been experience constant pain in all  my joints, legs, arms, back, all over.  One day my left leg swelled up and I couldn’t walk on it or bend it. PAIN!  That’s all I’ve been having is pain.  I don’t know what it is.  I finally made a doctor appointment even though I don’t have the money, but I’m tired of being in pain.  I don’t want to become a pain pill junkie!

Before I took the job I was fine with the exception of just a couple of episodes.  But all in all I’ve been cool.  I’ve enjoyed my business by going to estate sales, antique malls, vintage sales, writing, and my photography.

What do I do?  Quit?  What would I do without money?  What’s wrong with my body?!?

 

I Found My Way – The Pathway to Freedom

Now, 57, and after all these years I have been living in a dark place with Bipolar, ADD, Alcoholism, addicted to cigarettes, and much more. I have finally stopped.  Yes, I have stopped smoking and drinking.  I have also taken control of my bipolar by meditation and quietness.  There’s a lot more that has helped me with this, but the one thing I do have to say is that I received a gift from God.   We all have thoughts, but we never listen to him.  I started listening and good things started happening.  I had been tested all my life and have failed many times.  Then something happen, I didn’t fail.  I have been praying and trying so hard to change my darkness to light.  I have finally done it.

It took only a moment  from what could of been the biggest loss of my life, my dad. My dad almost died, and I didn’t have time to drink or think about my problems or worry about what will happen next.  The only t hing I  had to worry about and take care of was my dad.  I had to bathe him, feed him, and change his diapers. I stayed nights with him, because he would awake and freak out.  One time he thought he was going with aliens and he was hard to convince him otherwise.  I went into another realm of darkness and I didn’t like it.

I moved in with my parents to take care of them and I haven’t smoked or drank in 3 months.  Man it’s hard to  not pick up the cigarette, but not so hard on the drinking.  My mom started drinking when this happened so I have to take care of her as well.

Today, my dad has gotten better, thankfully.  I have found a great job and I have started making jewelry again.  I’m not in that bad place anymore.  Sometimes my bipolar tries to act up so I take a step back or go for a walk, a drive or make something.

I hope your are better today. I would like to hear from you

 

Life Has Dealt Me A Raw Hand

I have decided to make a change in my life. I wrote a prescription for myself – It’s called “A Prescription to Life.”

My life as been tough for years I have been doing the same thing like clockwork almost every day.   It goes like this works -

I wake up, get dress and head to work. It’s a great day everything going great. Then, I get off work, turn the ignition of the car and start my drive home, suddenly, I hear a voice. The voice of what I believe is the devil enticing me by saying, ” It want hurt to have just a little drink, and why your at at it pick up a pack of cigarettes.”

I’ve been doing this every day since 1994 . When life gets rough the only way I know how to deal with it is drinking. I didn’t want to think. My manic thoughts run wild with all kinds of scenarios, mostly negative. But now, I face a new obstacle in my life where I have no choice but to change and enter a new realm of life and that’s Alzheimer’s & Dementia.  On January 27, 2009, my dad had a bad fall. One lousy day our lives changed forever.  How?

You can find this story at http://vickiesjournal.blogspot.com/