When is Help Going to Appear-Alcoholism

I have been trying really hard to stop drinking but it’s tough.  I enjoy smoking and the only way I will smoke is to drink.  Weird isn’t it?  I mean if I could stop one of the other I wouldn’t do neither of them.  So I’m stuck.   This bipolar is a controlling mechanism.   There’s all these committees going off in my mind telling what I should do.  I need to learn to control them myself.  Be strong.

The reason I went to this hospital to get involved in the bipolar study was to get help.  I do everything for a reason and this time it’s for getting help on bipolar and my drinking.  This drug is suppose to stop the cravings of my wine. But the problem is I’m not really craving it. I just want to sit and relax and have a smoke and glass of wine in the evening.   I don’t feel the pill is working if I’m still drinking.  Maybe, I’m not taking the study drug – maybe I’m taking a sugar pill instead.

If this is the real drug I’m taking and it’s not working what am I going to do?  I guess it’ll be up to me again as always.   Always in my own little world with no one to talk about this.  I don’t want to burden anyone else with my issues.  That why I’m writing because I feel that it helps.  Always hoping that there is someone else out there that is struggling and we can chat.  If your out there please enter in my world

 

Alchoholism – Bipolar – Journaling in Rehab

This is another journal while in rehab – I’m sorry for the handwriting and the roughness.  It’s kind of hard to read.  Most of the things listed our my goals.  1. Quitting my job, must hate it.  2, dreams, along with a lot of depression, haves and don’ts.

 

 

Alchohol Abuse – Bipolar – Journal – Part 1

I’m going to show some of the journaling in my own handwriting that I found in a journal that I kept while in rehab. I read over the journal and man was I messed up! I didn’t realize how many drugs they had me on. My parents and friends said I look comatose and looked real out of it. See, I don’t remember all of this. I think they like to keep you doped up so you want cause trouble. Well that didn’t stopped. I caused trouble anyway. Than, you couldn’t tell me not to do something, because I will do it. I love challenges! Anyway I’m going to share a nuts view when they’re in therapy. Some of it looks kind of normal. But also it I talk about some of my dreams and where I want to be in the future. I was so sad. Now, 13 years later I’m finally living the dreams that I had back in 1998.  Most of these notes are about suicide, loneliness, guilt, black outs, my family, what I hate, what makes me depressed, bipolar, etc.  It’s a little hard to read, but I tried.

 

While in Rehab – What a Trip! Part II

I decided at the time that suicide wasn’t the answer. I was being selfish – I had to think about my son and how he would feel if killed myself. Mind you this is only one of the episodes in my life.

I arrived at Rehab around 10:30pm, and I looked terrible. I’m sure I didn’t smell very good since for a week all I did was smoke and drink with no showers. Yuck! Since I had tried suicide they put me in suicide ward in a very small dark room. The rehab people would come in and take my blood pressure, which was sky high, and take a lot of blood. They gave me this pill that was to help me detox. And detox it did. Here I was in this small dark room literally going crazy. I couldn’t believe I was there, not me! I sweated, and I had chills, I sweated and sweated. My hair was drenching wet as well as my clothes. I ached all over especially my arms and legs all the way up to the next morning. I didn’t sleep you see – I was afraid to go to sleep – afraid I might die or one of the loony’s in the ward would kill me.

The next day they let me take a shower and put a gown on since I didn’t have any change of clothes. They probably burned my clothes. I saw the doctor (psycho doctor) and he told me I had to take lithium until I was completely detoxed. I told him I needed pain pills for the pain. He said, “No more drugs. You have to wait this one out.” I was starting to hallucinate and felt like everyone was looking at me and pointing fingers. Look at her she is a sicky! My imagination was going crazy see and hearing things that wasn’t even there. Don’t let anyone tell you that detox is easy. I had over a week of wine in my system, along with the hundreds of packs of cigarettes I smoke. I don’t even remember eating.

Finally, after a couple of days they put me in this other ward where the Alcoholics were. I told them I don’t need to be there, I needed to be in the depression ward and be treated that way. But, they said no I needed to be there. I wasn’t an alcoholic, I was just depressed and drank and drank to make it go away. I felt if you treated the depression then the drinking desire would go away. That didn’t work so there I sat going to classes and therapy to learn how to cope with myself and learn more about myself on why I would drink.

There were a lot of people there, I couldn’t believe it. We were watched so closely – some of the people were very nice but there were some that weren’t. There was one that kept riding me – telling me all the time about things I was doing wrong. I still couldn’t believe I was there. I had this one guy stalking me – I told the nurses so they put him in his room.

I got a roommate and she wasn’t bad – I thought we had become friends. Tell you latter.

There was a guy, Elliott, who had manic depression (bipolar) and he was in bad shape. It was way manic. I became his friends, along with another young guy, Peter. It was like my children. He was a heroin addict and was really in bad shape. All we did most of the time is seat in the lounge talking and watching TV, and we would have AA meetings and therapy. The most exciting place was out in the courtyard where we would go and chain smoke. I told the doctor that I wanted to quite smoking and he said only one thing at a time. I couldn’t believe he said that! Some were wearing patches. I guess he felt it wasn’t time for me.

There was so much drama in rehab. One person even hung himself in the depression ward. That was really sad. I’ve always been the type of person that helps the other person. I have a lot of compassion for people that are in pain. They called me the “caregiver.” Nurse Hatchet kept telling me to stay way from the guys, because they were men. HA! I told her they like to talk to me and felt comfortable around me. She said,” Stop it right now! You need to take care of yourself right now and stay away from the boys!” I couldn’t, so I kept getting in trouble. I had a big mouth and I was really outspoken. I guess each day that I got better the more angrier I got and wanted to help others. So I kept getting in trouble.

Next, the therapies, family and more trouble..

 

Grant Me The Serenity

The reason I’m writing this is not only for myself, but also for someone out there that can relate and we can help each other. You see I’m still drinking. I drink to take the anxiety of the manic depression away that seems to be getting worse as I get older and I don’t know what to do. But I’m working it and really trying. I’m listening to my inner voice saying it was time to do something for yourself and follow your dreams. My dreams are happening right now. I’ve got my handmade jewelry on a website, and I’ve opened an Ebay shop. This is the beginning of my dreams and I don’t want to give up. I just know if I don’t stop drinking that dream could be ruined. I NEED HELP.

Come back with me. I will be chronicling my journey in rehab through the pain, hate, grief, and discovery I made in this place. And, to where I am now.

From the Middle:

After I got news that my son was going in the army my boyfriend broke up with me, people were leaving me and then I found out I had Bipolar (manic depression), and that I have Hepatitis C. I thought, what a cruel world. So I lost it.

I didn’t know it at the time that I was planning my death. I went to the store and stocked up on wine and cigarettes. I locked the store to my apartment, sat in my big fat recliner, which I will call my drinking chair at the time. Then I proceeded to drink and drink for 5 days and 24 hours around the clock. I never stopped, and never went to bed. I didn’t shower; brush my teeth, change clothes, nothing. Looking back, I’d say I was crazy and really depressed. I sat and watched sad movies that made me cry.

You know why I was doing all of this. I was depressed, lonely, and felt unloved. Things were just piling up and the clicker was when my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me with a very young redhead. I caught them in bed and that was worse then someone hitting me. I went crazy when I found out. I’ve never felt like that and I don’t want to feel that way again. I loved the guy.

Although I believe I have had a drinking problem since my marriage, I felt that this episode started my binge drinking. When I felt down and didn’t want to feel or think I would drink. It made me forget things, however, they just came back the next day, and that’s what I couldn’t figure out for a while.

After 5 or 6 days, I lost count I really hit my low by thinking of suicide. I was in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t feel like anyone would miss me on this earth. Then it happened. I broke a piece of glass and started sawing on my wrist. I just started screaming and crying and asking for help. Why was I doing this? I don’t want to die God! I don’t want to die! Then suddenly, there was a flash of light with the reflection of my son in the mirror I was holding. I believed it to be the intervention of God. I fell to my knees and started crying and begging for help.

I couldn’t call my parents so I called a friend of mine. She hurried over and was startled at what she saw. “My Goodness! What are you doing? She asked.” “Please call my doctor, I said.” He suggested that I be taken to this home for people with mental illness and alcoholism. I thought they would put me in the mental health wing, but instead they put me in the alcoholism nut ward.

The rehab gave me lithium for days. I never felt so much pain and misery. Just lying in this small twin bed and sweating and aching so much. My hair, clothes, and sheets were soaking wet. This went on for 24 hours.

I kept asking myself. Is this real or is it a nightmare? Am I dreaming this? I was in no means a happy camper for the next few days, hours, weeks until I made a decision.

Coming next…. Was treatment working?