My Bipolar Is Screwing With My Mind!

I have been doing really good with my bipolar.  I don’t get stressed or worried.  Calm and serene.  Lately that has been tarnished.  I had to move in with my parents – no money, plus to take care of them.  I left my other part time job and moved on to another.  The other job was totally no stress no micromanagement or any one dictating to me all the time.  I work on my eBay business, but that’s mine and I love doing it.

I needed money to pay bills so I took a job as marketing and sales manager working about 3 days a week. That shouldn’t be bad, right?  Wrong, I’m stressed.  Today, my mine totally blocked out everything I knew.  I couldn’t remember how to do something on this program I just learned.  I mean no memory.  I could feel my body tensing up and wanting to run out the door.  I don’t like this man, the owner.  He listens to everything and doesn’t really think I can do anything.  That makes me crazy and I believe I can.  I just want to quit.   I get anxiety every time I think about the job or doing work for them.   They want me to make sales calls 100 calls in three days!  I can’t do it!

I don’t want to do any thing that triggers my manic depression.  This does.  When I come home I want to drink.  I’m trying very hard not to go there.  I haven’t smoked in 5 months and I wanted a cigarette.  I guess stress my trigger.

Lately, I’ve been experience constant pain in all  my joints, legs, arms, back, all over.  One day my left leg swelled up and I couldn’t walk on it or bend it. PAIN!  That’s all I’ve been having is pain.  I don’t know what it is.  I finally made a doctor appointment even though I don’t have the money, but I’m tired of being in pain.  I don’t want to become a pain pill junkie!

Before I took the job I was fine with the exception of just a couple of episodes.  But all in all I’ve been cool.  I’ve enjoyed my business by going to estate sales, antique malls, vintage sales, writing, and my photography.

What do I do?  Quit?  What would I do without money?  What’s wrong with my body?!?

 

Life Has Dealt Me A Raw Hand

I have decided to make a change in my life. I wrote a prescription for myself – It’s called “A Prescription to Life.”

My life as been tough for years I have been doing the same thing like clockwork almost every day.   It goes like this works -

I wake up, get dress and head to work. It’s a great day everything going great. Then, I get off work, turn the ignition of the car and start my drive home, suddenly, I hear a voice. The voice of what I believe is the devil enticing me by saying, ” It want hurt to have just a little drink, and why your at at it pick up a pack of cigarettes.”

I’ve been doing this every day since 1994 . When life gets rough the only way I know how to deal with it is drinking. I didn’t want to think. My manic thoughts run wild with all kinds of scenarios, mostly negative. But now, I face a new obstacle in my life where I have no choice but to change and enter a new realm of life and that’s Alzheimer’s & Dementia.  On January 27, 2009, my dad had a bad fall. One lousy day our lives changed forever.  How?

You can find this story at http://vickiesjournal.blogspot.com/