My Bipolar Is Screwing With My Mind!

I have been doing really good with my bipolar.  I don’t get stressed or worried.  Calm and serene.  Lately that has been tarnished.  I had to move in with my parents – no money, plus to take care of them.  I left my other part time job and moved on to another.  The other job was totally no stress no micromanagement or any one dictating to me all the time.  I work on my eBay business, but that’s mine and I love doing it.

I needed money to pay bills so I took a job as marketing and sales manager working about 3 days a week. That shouldn’t be bad, right?  Wrong, I’m stressed.  Today, my mine totally blocked out everything I knew.  I couldn’t remember how to do something on this program I just learned.  I mean no memory.  I could feel my body tensing up and wanting to run out the door.  I don’t like this man, the owner.  He listens to everything and doesn’t really think I can do anything.  That makes me crazy and I believe I can.  I just want to quit.   I get anxiety every time I think about the job or doing work for them.   They want me to make sales calls 100 calls in three days!  I can’t do it!

I don’t want to do any thing that triggers my manic depression.  This does.  When I come home I want to drink.  I’m trying very hard not to go there.  I haven’t smoked in 5 months and I wanted a cigarette.  I guess stress my trigger.

Lately, I’ve been experience constant pain in all  my joints, legs, arms, back, all over.  One day my left leg swelled up and I couldn’t walk on it or bend it. PAIN!  That’s all I’ve been having is pain.  I don’t know what it is.  I finally made a doctor appointment even though I don’t have the money, but I’m tired of being in pain.  I don’t want to become a pain pill junkie!

Before I took the job I was fine with the exception of just a couple of episodes.  But all in all I’ve been cool.  I’ve enjoyed my business by going to estate sales, antique malls, vintage sales, writing, and my photography.

What do I do?  Quit?  What would I do without money?  What’s wrong with my body?!?

 

Stop the Insanity – Bipolar!!

This is the way my mind feels!  STOP THE INSANITY!!

 

I was just now sitting on my bed trying to decide what to do next.  I can’t seem to make a settled decision.  Do I take photos, do I make some jewelry, send out resumes, add items to my ebay – you name all these things and more that are going through my mind right now. So I’m writing.  I’m so broke.  I have bills to pay, but can’t.  I don’t get paid until next Friday – that’s a lot of time when you have to pay for gas, food, bills, etc.  I tried to get my cable bill lowered, but found out that it would only cost me 10.00 less to downgrade it.  If I was to discontinue service they will charge me a disconnect fee.  If I have them come get the box to downgrade my cable, they’ll charge me a fee, but if I take it there it’ll cost me nothing. 

I’m working part-time and it’s not enough money.  I collect unemployment but that’s not enough.  I desperately seeking other work. I’m too old to apply for a office job.  I still have my jewelry and my ebay business, but it’s slow.  If people would just buy things would look up.  I’m so confused that I don’t know what to do next.

Moving to North Carolina is something I really want to do, but I can’t with no money and I can’t save any.  I won’t even be able to fly around Christmas to see my new grand baby, because gas and airline prices are outrageous! 

My chest is hurting right now, and I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin.  The more I think about these things the more my chest hurts.  I want a drink to make it all go away. 

I’m depressed and want to cry, my dog is driving me crazy! He wants attention that I just can’t give me right now.  I’m trying very hard to not go and get any wine.  Please God help me – someone help me. 

I can’t even afford to go to a doctor to get medication.  Cost too much.  What am I to do.  Kill myself?  I don’t want to do that, because I’ll never see my family again and I couldn’t do that to them.  But I’m tired.  Living with Bipolar, Hep C and addictions takes a lot out of a person.  I have no companion – just myself.  I wish I had someone close to me that could come over and comfort me.  I need a big hug.  Someone who understands me and can help.   I wish.