Poem for Elliott

The Year 1997

WHEN I WAS IN REHAB I ESTABLISHED A BOND BETWEEN SEVERAL YOUNG MEN WHO SEEM TO TAKE TOO ME LIKE A MOM.  I DIDN’T FEEL THE CLINIC DID THE RIGHT THING REGARDING A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS.   BOTH HAVE DIED. THE FOLLOWING WAS A POEM I WROTE ELLIOTT.  WE  HAD FORMED A SPECIAL BOND. WE BOTH HAD BIPOLAR AND ALCOHOLIC.

My heart has been with you from the very begging

We both met at a time confusion and pain

We were bound by friendship we shared

Through tears of sorrow and compassion – we leaned on each other

The clinic tried to pull us apart

Our friendship was too strong

We  shared more in a moment then most have shared in a day

Elliott, I know God is holding your hand – please don’t let go

Talk to him – he does listen

It may not happen over night, but he is by your side just as I am, and I always will be.
THE CLINIC LET ELLIOTT OUT – HE COMMITTED SUICIDE

 

My Drinking has Slowed – But My Life is Still a Turmoil

I moved into my family’s house about 5 months ago when my life changed in a split second.  You never know what life will hand you so I now never take it for granted.  I was trolling for many years by abusing alcohol and cigarettes and just sitting and being alone in my apartment.  Staying away from people, because I didn’t want them to look at me or say anything I might not like.  I would just get my bottles of wine and sit on the corner of my couch with my glass of wine.  First, I would cover my couch with the insight that when I smoked it would not stink it up.   Alcohol can really screw your mine up with some wild imaginations.

That one moment that changed was when my dad almost lost his life. He ended up in the hospital in a comatose condition. We were with him all day and night and I immediately went home to get a bottle of wine.  But while drinking it I thought how selfish I was.  My dad was in a hospital and he may die.  I put that glass up and went to bed so I could get up early to go see dad.

My dad didn’t even know I was there.  For a week I bathed him, changed his diapers, and fed him.  I forgot about my problems they were not as important as my dads at that time.  I went home that day and did not drink.  Instead , I packed and when to stay with my mom who needed me.

Since that time my life has completely changed.  I have moved in and now take care of them.  The changing factor.  My mom looks like a replicate of me.  At 3pm she pours herself a glass of wine – with ice and water, she says.  I ask her why do you drink. “Because I’m 82 years old and it helps me go to sleep.  She actually told me to leave her alone and she will do what she wants.  The difference between she and I – After the 3 small drinks, she does go to bed around 7pm.  Lately, I tried drinking some of her wine. It doesn’t appeal to me any more and after one small glass, I fall asleep.   I have not had a cigarette to this day.

Life can change when you are not expecting it.  Just do not fear it.  Take it as it comes.  I do not miss those days sitting on my couch drowning myself in wine and  putting that stupid blanket on my  couch.  Now my life is a little more pleasant.  But my life still has changed.

I have bipolar.  I now know that bipolar was was of the biggest causes of my drinking.  If you would like read about it you can go the Journaling for Therapy, which should be linked here.

 

For the Past 9 Years My Journal Read The Time Crap

Yep, I was reading one of my journals dated back to February 21, 2000, this wasn’t long after my stay at rehab hospital and a rehab house. Each year is the same.  I’ve got to stop drinking, stop smoking, loose weight, and I ever going to find someone for me.  I came across a quote that I had written from a TV Show Amy Brennigan. Her mother had asked her if she would ever find someone to love.  Because she said she was lonely and wanted a partner.  She said, “She was lonely and wanted to f ind someone that would finish her sentences, someone who would talk to her until 3am in the morning, and not judge just you for the things you might say.  That is who I’m looking for.  I felt that was me.  Can I find that someone who will listen to my sentences?

Those were some of my dark days that were filled with pain of trying to find the way to feeling good.  I felt like I was in hell and I was trying to climb out.  I always said I was going to focus 275, 000 times to get my life back on track.  It was going to take a lot of strength and guts to climb the mountains, cross the rivers, and fight the demons along the way.  They demons would talk and talk and cause so much noise and pain that you could not hear the words of  god calling your name. All you would see were the dark long fingers leading you down the dangerous paths of disaster.  I tried so hard to reach out and climb out of the hell almighty.  I would scream and tell the devil I want life!  BACKOFF!  I would say!  I WANT LIFE!  I want to feel good, I want to FOCUS and see clearly within myself.  I must have faith in the Lord.  He will see me and help to cross the rivers and the moutains, to fight the enemy, to find glory and happiness that I have never had.   He will carry me when I’m weak and when I start to fall he will pick me up and I will keep the faith.  God I will try.

These are just some of the passages that I wrote to climb out of hell.  I will keep writing – I want to remember.

 

I Quit Lithium and Now Taking Carbamazepine – Will It Work

I’ve started a blog on my other blog Journaling for Therapy to talk about this new drug that is actually a generic of Tegretol.

“Tegretol is in a group of drugs called anticonvulsants. It works by decreasing nerve impulses that cause seizures and pain.

Tegretol is used to treat certain types of seizures associated with epilepsy, the treatment of the nerve pain associated with true trigeminal neuralgia and diabetic neuropathy. It is also used to treat bipolar disorder.”

decided that I didn’t need it in two places.  But this stuff is really strong.  I woke up this morning really high.  I was stumbling every where.  My eyes were blurry and my head was killing me like I was having a hangover.  But it was the reaction to the pill.  I’m taking 200M plus Loreszpam 3 times a day.   Whew I better not drive!.  If you want to follow my excursion on this drug just click the above and it will take you there.

Something a little about this pill I’m not taking:

Carbamazepine 200mg is used to prevent and control seizures.  Carbamazepine 200mg is known as an anticonvulsant or anti-epileptic drug.  It is also used to relieve one type of nerve pain (trigeminal neuralgia).  Carbamazepine 200mg works by reducing excessive nerve signals in the brain and restoring the normal balance of nerve activity.

So come back if your curious about this drug and how it effects your daily life.  Well at least me.  I would like to hear from someone that is taking the same drug.

 

My Bipolar Is Screwing With My Mind!

I have been doing really good with my bipolar.  I don’t get stressed or worried.  Calm and serene.  Lately that has been tarnished.  I had to move in with my parents – no money, plus to take care of them.  I left my other part time job and moved on to another.  The other job was totally no stress no micromanagement or any one dictating to me all the time.  I work on my eBay business, but that’s mine and I love doing it.

I needed money to pay bills so I took a job as marketing and sales manager working about 3 days a week. That shouldn’t be bad, right?  Wrong, I’m stressed.  Today, my mine totally blocked out everything I knew.  I couldn’t remember how to do something on this program I just learned.  I mean no memory.  I could feel my body tensing up and wanting to run out the door.  I don’t like this man, the owner.  He listens to everything and doesn’t really think I can do anything.  That makes me crazy and I believe I can.  I just want to quit.   I get anxiety every time I think about the job or doing work for them.   They want me to make sales calls 100 calls in three days!  I can’t do it!

I don’t want to do any thing that triggers my manic depression.  This does.  When I come home I want to drink.  I’m trying very hard not to go there.  I haven’t smoked in 5 months and I wanted a cigarette.  I guess stress my trigger.

Lately, I’ve been experience constant pain in all  my joints, legs, arms, back, all over.  One day my left leg swelled up and I couldn’t walk on it or bend it. PAIN!  That’s all I’ve been having is pain.  I don’t know what it is.  I finally made a doctor appointment even though I don’t have the money, but I’m tired of being in pain.  I don’t want to become a pain pill junkie!

Before I took the job I was fine with the exception of just a couple of episodes.  But all in all I’ve been cool.  I’ve enjoyed my business by going to estate sales, antique malls, vintage sales, writing, and my photography.

What do I do?  Quit?  What would I do without money?  What’s wrong with my body?!?

 

The Demons Tested Me – Bipolar Struck!

I had a confrontation with a postman in the customer service are of the PO. I took two big boxes that I was shipping from some products I sold from my eBay store. Like I’ve been doing for several years I took them up there when the shipping label attached and was just going to drop them off with the clerk. He insulted me. It was like saying your lying about the cost of the shipment. He asked, “where’s your receipt?” I need to know what you paid for the shipping. I need to take measurements, etc. I was like “No one has every asked me for a receipt before!” They just take the boxes and that’s it! He just wanted to continue to argue and I said forget it. I’ll just take them some where else. I plan to call the Postmaster! I struggled to get those big boxes out to the car. I was so mad I couldn’t breathe. I wanted so badly to go to the store and get some cigarettes and drink! I needed to calm down and when I was living alone that’s what I could do. But now since I’m living with my parents (caregiver) I can’t do that. Oh, I can go to a parking lot & park and smoke & drink. But I’d whether not. I was glad I didn’t. The demons inside me tried so hard to talk me into the path of destruction. I was having problems with breathing and all I could think of was making it go away. That’s what addicts do.

Instead, I came home wrote in my blog and diary. Thanks for listening.