Poem for Elliott

The Year 1997

WHEN I WAS IN REHAB I ESTABLISHED A BOND BETWEEN SEVERAL YOUNG MEN WHO SEEM TO TAKE TOO ME LIKE A MOM.  I DIDN’T FEEL THE CLINIC DID THE RIGHT THING REGARDING A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS.   BOTH HAVE DIED. THE FOLLOWING WAS A POEM I WROTE ELLIOTT.  WE  HAD FORMED A SPECIAL BOND. WE BOTH HAD BIPOLAR AND ALCOHOLIC.

My heart has been with you from the very begging

We both met at a time confusion and pain

We were bound by friendship we shared

Through tears of sorrow and compassion – we leaned on each other

The clinic tried to pull us apart

Our friendship was too strong

We  shared more in a moment then most have shared in a day

Elliott, I know God is holding your hand – please don’t let go

Talk to him – he does listen

It may not happen over night, but he is by your side just as I am, and I always will be.
THE CLINIC LET ELLIOTT OUT – HE COMMITTED SUICIDE

 

My Drinking has Slowed – But My Life is Still a Turmoil

I moved into my family’s house about 5 months ago when my life changed in a split second.  You never know what life will hand you so I now never take it for granted.  I was trolling for many years by abusing alcohol and cigarettes and just sitting and being alone in my apartment.  Staying away from people, because I didn’t want them to look at me or say anything I might not like.  I would just get my bottles of wine and sit on the corner of my couch with my glass of wine.  First, I would cover my couch with the insight that when I smoked it would not stink it up.   Alcohol can really screw your mine up with some wild imaginations.

That one moment that changed was when my dad almost lost his life. He ended up in the hospital in a comatose condition. We were with him all day and night and I immediately went home to get a bottle of wine.  But while drinking it I thought how selfish I was.  My dad was in a hospital and he may die.  I put that glass up and went to bed so I could get up early to go see dad.

My dad didn’t even know I was there.  For a week I bathed him, changed his diapers, and fed him.  I forgot about my problems they were not as important as my dads at that time.  I went home that day and did not drink.  Instead , I packed and when to stay with my mom who needed me.

Since that time my life has completely changed.  I have moved in and now take care of them.  The changing factor.  My mom looks like a replicate of me.  At 3pm she pours herself a glass of wine – with ice and water, she says.  I ask her why do you drink. “Because I’m 82 years old and it helps me go to sleep.  She actually told me to leave her alone and she will do what she wants.  The difference between she and I – After the 3 small drinks, she does go to bed around 7pm.  Lately, I tried drinking some of her wine. It doesn’t appeal to me any more and after one small glass, I fall asleep.   I have not had a cigarette to this day.

Life can change when you are not expecting it.  Just do not fear it.  Take it as it comes.  I do not miss those days sitting on my couch drowning myself in wine and  putting that stupid blanket on my  couch.  Now my life is a little more pleasant.  But my life still has changed.

I have bipolar.  I now know that bipolar was was of the biggest causes of my drinking.  If you would like read about it you can go the Journaling for Therapy, which should be linked here.

 

For the Past 9 Years My Journal Read The Time Crap

Yep, I was reading one of my journals dated back to February 21, 2000, this wasn’t long after my stay at rehab hospital and a rehab house. Each year is the same.  I’ve got to stop drinking, stop smoking, loose weight, and I ever going to find someone for me.  I came across a quote that I had written from a TV Show Amy Brennigan. Her mother had asked her if she would ever find someone to love.  Because she said she was lonely and wanted a partner.  She said, “She was lonely and wanted to f ind someone that would finish her sentences, someone who would talk to her until 3am in the morning, and not judge just you for the things you might say.  That is who I’m looking for.  I felt that was me.  Can I find that someone who will listen to my sentences?

Those were some of my dark days that were filled with pain of trying to find the way to feeling good.  I felt like I was in hell and I was trying to climb out.  I always said I was going to focus 275, 000 times to get my life back on track.  It was going to take a lot of strength and guts to climb the mountains, cross the rivers, and fight the demons along the way.  They demons would talk and talk and cause so much noise and pain that you could not hear the words of  god calling your name. All you would see were the dark long fingers leading you down the dangerous paths of disaster.  I tried so hard to reach out and climb out of the hell almighty.  I would scream and tell the devil I want life!  BACKOFF!  I would say!  I WANT LIFE!  I want to feel good, I want to FOCUS and see clearly within myself.  I must have faith in the Lord.  He will see me and help to cross the rivers and the moutains, to fight the enemy, to find glory and happiness that I have never had.   He will carry me when I’m weak and when I start to fall he will pick me up and I will keep the faith.  God I will try.

These are just some of the passages that I wrote to climb out of hell.  I will keep writing – I want to remember.

 

My Bipolar Is Screwing With My Mind!

I have been doing really good with my bipolar.  I don’t get stressed or worried.  Calm and serene.  Lately that has been tarnished.  I had to move in with my parents – no money, plus to take care of them.  I left my other part time job and moved on to another.  The other job was totally no stress no micromanagement or any one dictating to me all the time.  I work on my eBay business, but that’s mine and I love doing it.

I needed money to pay bills so I took a job as marketing and sales manager working about 3 days a week. That shouldn’t be bad, right?  Wrong, I’m stressed.  Today, my mine totally blocked out everything I knew.  I couldn’t remember how to do something on this program I just learned.  I mean no memory.  I could feel my body tensing up and wanting to run out the door.  I don’t like this man, the owner.  He listens to everything and doesn’t really think I can do anything.  That makes me crazy and I believe I can.  I just want to quit.   I get anxiety every time I think about the job or doing work for them.   They want me to make sales calls 100 calls in three days!  I can’t do it!

I don’t want to do any thing that triggers my manic depression.  This does.  When I come home I want to drink.  I’m trying very hard not to go there.  I haven’t smoked in 5 months and I wanted a cigarette.  I guess stress my trigger.

Lately, I’ve been experience constant pain in all  my joints, legs, arms, back, all over.  One day my left leg swelled up and I couldn’t walk on it or bend it. PAIN!  That’s all I’ve been having is pain.  I don’t know what it is.  I finally made a doctor appointment even though I don’t have the money, but I’m tired of being in pain.  I don’t want to become a pain pill junkie!

Before I took the job I was fine with the exception of just a couple of episodes.  But all in all I’ve been cool.  I’ve enjoyed my business by going to estate sales, antique malls, vintage sales, writing, and my photography.

What do I do?  Quit?  What would I do without money?  What’s wrong with my body?!?

 

The Demons Tested Me – Bipolar Struck!

I had a confrontation with a postman in the customer service are of the PO. I took two big boxes that I was shipping from some products I sold from my eBay store. Like I’ve been doing for several years I took them up there when the shipping label attached and was just going to drop them off with the clerk. He insulted me. It was like saying your lying about the cost of the shipment. He asked, “where’s your receipt?” I need to know what you paid for the shipping. I need to take measurements, etc. I was like “No one has every asked me for a receipt before!” They just take the boxes and that’s it! He just wanted to continue to argue and I said forget it. I’ll just take them some where else. I plan to call the Postmaster! I struggled to get those big boxes out to the car. I was so mad I couldn’t breathe. I wanted so badly to go to the store and get some cigarettes and drink! I needed to calm down and when I was living alone that’s what I could do. But now since I’m living with my parents (caregiver) I can’t do that. Oh, I can go to a parking lot & park and smoke & drink. But I’d whether not. I was glad I didn’t. The demons inside me tried so hard to talk me into the path of destruction. I was having problems with breathing and all I could think of was making it go away. That’s what addicts do.

Instead, I came home wrote in my blog and diary. Thanks for listening.

 

I Found My Way – The Pathway to Freedom

Now, 57, and after all these years I have been living in a dark place with Bipolar, ADD, Alcoholism, addicted to cigarettes, and much more. I have finally stopped.  Yes, I have stopped smoking and drinking.  I have also taken control of my bipolar by meditation and quietness.  There’s a lot more that has helped me with this, but the one thing I do have to say is that I received a gift from God.   We all have thoughts, but we never listen to him.  I started listening and good things started happening.  I had been tested all my life and have failed many times.  Then something happen, I didn’t fail.  I have been praying and trying so hard to change my darkness to light.  I have finally done it.

It took only a moment  from what could of been the biggest loss of my life, my dad. My dad almost died, and I didn’t have time to drink or think about my problems or worry about what will happen next.  The only t hing I  had to worry about and take care of was my dad.  I had to bathe him, feed him, and change his diapers. I stayed nights with him, because he would awake and freak out.  One time he thought he was going with aliens and he was hard to convince him otherwise.  I went into another realm of darkness and I didn’t like it.

I moved in with my parents to take care of them and I haven’t smoked or drank in 3 months.  Man it’s hard to  not pick up the cigarette, but not so hard on the drinking.  My mom started drinking when this happened so I have to take care of her as well.

Today, my dad has gotten better, thankfully.  I have found a great job and I have started making jewelry again.  I’m not in that bad place anymore.  Sometimes my bipolar tries to act up so I take a step back or go for a walk, a drive or make something.

I hope your are better today. I would like to hear from you

 

Life Has Dealt Me A Raw Hand

I have decided to make a change in my life. I wrote a prescription for myself – It’s called “A Prescription to Life.”

My life as been tough for years I have been doing the same thing like clockwork almost every day.   It goes like this works -

I wake up, get dress and head to work. It’s a great day everything going great. Then, I get off work, turn the ignition of the car and start my drive home, suddenly, I hear a voice. The voice of what I believe is the devil enticing me by saying, ” It want hurt to have just a little drink, and why your at at it pick up a pack of cigarettes.”

I’ve been doing this every day since 1994 . When life gets rough the only way I know how to deal with it is drinking. I didn’t want to think. My manic thoughts run wild with all kinds of scenarios, mostly negative. But now, I face a new obstacle in my life where I have no choice but to change and enter a new realm of life and that’s Alzheimer’s & Dementia.  On January 27, 2009, my dad had a bad fall. One lousy day our lives changed forever.  How?

You can find this story at http://vickiesjournal.blogspot.com/

 

When is Help Going to Appear-Alcoholism

I have been trying really hard to stop drinking but it’s tough.  I enjoy smoking and the only way I will smoke is to drink.  Weird isn’t it?  I mean if I could stop one of the other I wouldn’t do neither of them.  So I’m stuck.   This bipolar is a controlling mechanism.   There’s all these committees going off in my mind telling what I should do.  I need to learn to control them myself.  Be strong.

The reason I went to this hospital to get involved in the bipolar study was to get help.  I do everything for a reason and this time it’s for getting help on bipolar and my drinking.  This drug is suppose to stop the cravings of my wine. But the problem is I’m not really craving it. I just want to sit and relax and have a smoke and glass of wine in the evening.   I don’t feel the pill is working if I’m still drinking.  Maybe, I’m not taking the study drug – maybe I’m taking a sugar pill instead.

If this is the real drug I’m taking and it’s not working what am I going to do?  I guess it’ll be up to me again as always.   Always in my own little world with no one to talk about this.  I don’t want to burden anyone else with my issues.  That why I’m writing because I feel that it helps.  Always hoping that there is someone else out there that is struggling and we can chat.  If your out there please enter in my world

 

Writing for Therapy-Should I?

Yes, I believe writing is one of the greatest. Why because it helps me.  I drink and I talk about why.  I’ve never been a AA person.  I felt weird talking to a bunch ofpeople who are staring at you all about your poor past and present.  I felt like I was in an occult or something.  I’m not knocking it for other people it just didn’t do me any good.  I was the type that thought she could do it herself.  I just like to drink when I smoke.  Yea, heard that before. We use everything as an excuse to make it acceptable for what we are doing.  I use –  I’m angry I need a drink.  Well okay off to the store I go to get my wine get my cig’s and go home and have a couple of drinks or two or four.  Whoops! It’s 5:00am and I’m still drinking.  I’ve only a drop left.  Now what?  Do I stop or do I go and get some more?

I have a rule no drinking in the morning.  I only start drinking after 5pm.  That goes for smoking.  I could go all day and then when it got to around 5pm it was okay to start drinking.  The problem is I don’t know when to stop.  I hate the all nighters.  You would think I would feel bad after all night and now it’s 5am.  Well I just make me a big pot of coffee and I stay busy all day and I don’t feel bad. I’ll owe that to my bipolar.  My mania will kick in and on my way to the rollercoaster ride.

I went back and read my journals fromm the 70’s and I’ve had a drinking and bipolar since then.  After my abusive marriage I think I went crazy.  I was very much in denial.  I felt bad about myself, because my X always told me I wasn’t good enough, no one would want me. I’m all used up.  I didn’t know me anymore.  I use to be a shy person in school and a good girl.  Going to be a virgin until I got married.  I think my parents thought I was.  Hum…

I’ve just been rambling.  I’m just sitting here thinking about my trip to therapy in the morning and if I should get some wine.  What do you think?

 

Alchoholism – Bipolar – Journaling in Rehab

This is another journal while in rehab – I’m sorry for the handwriting and the roughness.  It’s kind of hard to read.  Most of the things listed our my goals.  1. Quitting my job, must hate it.  2, dreams, along with a lot of depression, haves and don’ts.