Since my father became ill he has turned into a different person. He’s not the same daddy I’ve know all my life. He has become selfish with money, mean, angry and unhappy and throws all of that at me. He worries about money extremely too much. My mom likes her wine so she bought 4 boxes of it yesterday. Dad was like “well are you going out to get drunk?” No, I said. I don’t do that anymore. Mom bought them for herself. He turned to me with sharpness and said, “Your mom does not buy four at a time & she never has.” I said, Dad, she’s being buying 4 every since you went into the hospital and the nursing home. This was about 4 months ago.
Then he said, “You want to get mad! You want to get mad!” He said, “You better watch it or I’ll let you have it!” I couldn’t believe he said that! Did that mean he was going to hit me! I’m 57 years old and he treats me like I’m a teen or young adult. He doesn’t think mom will buy 4 boxes. I told him she has started to drink a lot. He will not accept it. “She just drinks three a night and half of that is water, he would say.”
During this conversation, I could feel my heart beating really fast, I couldn’t breathe, my ears were becoming hot and I just wanted to scream. I felt like I was going to blow up. My mind was full of restless thoughts – go and get some cigarettes and wine and go to the lake and just sit and drink and smoke. That will make it better. Instead I just kept driving in a daze and confused state. What happen to my dad? I was so hurt. I couldn’t cry I don’t know why. What upset me the most - Mom just sat there and didn’t say anything. I told her to please tell him the boxes are not mine. In a whisper she said they were hers and just didn’t want to come back to the store soon. He still didn’t believe it.
About 10 years ago I had thoughts of suicide. I drank around the clock – I was so depressed. My 5-year relationship had stopped suddenly, and my son called me and said he was going in the army for 6 years. I felt so alone and I couldn’t let it go. So I just sat in my apartment never leaving except to get some wine. Then I got suicidal. Luckily I was intervened by the above and I called the doctor and admitted myself to a mental rehab hospital where I stayed for 7 weeks. That’s where I was diagnosed with Bipolar for the first time.
Now, I‘ve quit drinking and smoking and trying very hard to keep my bipolar at bay. When I feel triggers I step back and go for a drive like I did yesterday.
I never made it to the lake with the wine and cigarettes. Instead, I went to my favorite nail saloon and got a pedicure and then went to the bookstore. I love going to bookstores.
I don’t know what today will bring. I don’t know how I’m going to accept my dad today. All I know is that I’m saving money so I can to North Carolina to live. That’s where my son, grandson and daughter in law live. I have a family there and it’s time I be a grandma.
Please God Grant me the Serenity for Today don’t let me drift off into my old habits.
jewells08
