Yep, I was reading one of my journals dated back to February 21, 2000, this wasn’t long after my stay at rehab hospital and a rehab house. Each year is the same. I’ve got to stop drinking, stop smoking, loose weight, and I ever going to find someone for me. I came across a quote that I had written from a TV Show Amy Brennigan. Her mother had asked her if she would ever find someone to love. Because she said she was lonely and wanted a partner. She said, “She was lonely and wanted to f ind someone that would finish her sentences, someone who would talk to her until 3am in the morning, and not judge just you for the things you might say. That is who I’m looking for. I felt that was me. Can I find that someone who will listen to my sentences?
Those were some of my dark days that were filled with pain of trying to find the way to feeling good. I felt like I was in hell and I was trying to climb out. I always said I was going to focus 275, 000 times to get my life back on track. It was going to take a lot of strength and guts to climb the mountains, cross the rivers, and fight the demons along the way. They demons would talk and talk and cause so much noise and pain that you could not hear the words of god calling your name. All you would see were the dark long fingers leading you down the dangerous paths of disaster. I tried so hard to reach out and climb out of the hell almighty. I would scream and tell the devil I want life! BACKOFF! I would say! I WANT LIFE! I want to feel good, I want to FOCUS and see clearly within myself. I must have faith in the Lord. He will see me and help to cross the rivers and the moutains, to fight the enemy, to find glory and happiness that I have never had. He will carry me when I’m weak and when I start to fall he will pick me up and I will keep the faith. God I will try.
These are just some of the passages that I wrote to climb out of hell. I will keep writing – I want to remember.
I’ve started a blog on my other blog Journaling for Therapy to talk about this new drug that is actually a generic of Tegretol.
“Tegretol is in a group of drugs called anticonvulsants. It works by decreasing nerve impulses that cause seizures and pain.
Tegretol is used to treat certain types of seizures associated with epilepsy, the treatment of the nerve pain associated with true trigeminal neuralgia and diabetic neuropathy. It is also used to treat bipolar disorder.”
decided that I didn’t need it in two places. But this stuff is really strong. I woke up this morning really high. I was stumbling every where. My eyes were blurry and my head was killing me like I was having a hangover. But it was the reaction to the pill. I’m taking 200M plus Loreszpam 3 times a day. Whew I better not drive!. If you want to follow my excursion on this drug just click the above and it will take you there.
Something a little about this pill I’m not taking:
I have been doing really good with my bipolar. I don’t get stressed or worried. Calm and serene. Lately that has been tarnished. I had to move in with my parents – no money, plus to take care of them. I left my other part time job and moved on to another. The other job was totally no stress no micromanagement or any one dictating to me all the time. I work on my eBay business, but that’s mine and I love doing it.
I needed money to pay bills so I took a job as marketing and sales manager working about 3 days a week. That shouldn’t be bad, right? Wrong, I’m stressed. Today, my mine totally blocked out everything I knew. I couldn’t remember how to do something on this program I just learned. I mean no memory. I could feel my body tensing up and wanting to run out the door. I don’t like this man, the owner. He listens to everything and doesn’t really think I can do anything. That makes me crazy and I believe I can. I just want to quit. I get anxiety every time I think about the job or doing work for them. They want me to make sales calls 100 calls in three days! I can’t do it!
I don’t want to do any thing that triggers my manic depression. This does. When I come home I want to drink. I’m trying very hard not to go there. I haven’t smoked in 5 months and I wanted a cigarette. I guess stress my trigger.
Lately, I’ve been experience constant pain in all my joints, legs, arms, back, all over. One day my left leg swelled up and I couldn’t walk on it or bend it. PAIN! That’s all I’ve been having is pain. I don’t know what it is. I finally made a doctor appointment even though I don’t have the money, but I’m tired of being in pain. I don’t want to become a pain pill junkie!
Before I took the job I was fine with the exception of just a couple of episodes. But all in all I’ve been cool. I’ve enjoyed my business by going to estate sales, antique malls, vintage sales, writing, and my photography.
What do I do? Quit? What would I do without money? What’s wrong with my body?!?
jewells08
