How Did I Start To Live After a Life of Drinking, Drugs, & Suicide

I had a confrontation with a postman in the customer service are of the PO. I took two big boxes that I was shipping from some products I sold from my eBay store. Like I’ve been doing for several years I took them up there when the shipping label attached and was just going to drop them off with the clerk. He insulted me. It was like saying your lying about the cost of the shipment. He asked, “where’s your receipt?” I need to know what you paid for the shipping. I need to take measurements, etc. I was like “No one has every asked me for a receipt before!” They just take the boxes and that’s it! He just wanted to continue to argue and I said forget it. I’ll just take them some where else. I plan to call the Postmaster! I struggled to get those big boxes out to the car. I was so mad I couldn’t breathe. I wanted so badly to go to the store and get some cigarettes and drink! I needed to calm down and when I was living alone that’s what I could do. But now since I’m living with my parents (caregiver) I can’t do that. Oh, I can go to a parking lot & park and smoke & drink. But I’d whether not. I was glad I didn’t. The demons inside me tried so hard to talk me into the path of destruction. I was having problems with breathing and all I could think of was making it go away. That’s what addicts do.

Instead, I came home wrote in my blog and diary. Thanks for listening.

Now, 57, and after all these years I have been living in a dark place with Bipolar, ADD, Alcoholism, addicted to cigarettes, and much more. I have finally stopped.  Yes, I have stopped smoking and drinking.  I have also taken control of my bipolar by meditation and quietness.  There’s a lot more that has helped me with this, but the one thing I do have to say is that I received a gift from God.   We all have thoughts, but we never listen to him.  I started listening and good things started happening.  I had been tested all my life and have failed many times.  Then something happen, I didn’t fail.  I have been praying and trying so hard to change my darkness to light.  I have finally done it.

It took only a moment  from what could of been the biggest loss of my life, my dad. My dad almost died, and I didn’t have time to drink or think about my problems or worry about what will happen next.  The only t hing I  had to worry about and take care of was my dad.  I had to bathe him, feed him, and change his diapers. I stayed nights with him, because he would awake and freak out.  One time he thought he was going with aliens and he was hard to convince him otherwise.  I went into another realm of darkness and I didn’t like it.

I moved in with my parents to take care of them and I haven’t smoked or drank in 3 months.  Man it’s hard to  not pick up the cigarette, but not so hard on the drinking.  My mom started drinking when this happened so I have to take care of her as well.

Today, my dad has gotten better, thankfully.  I have found a great job and I have started making jewelry again.  I’m not in that bad place anymore.  Sometimes my bipolar tries to act up so I take a step back or go for a walk, a drive or make something.

I hope your are better today. I would like to hear from you