Yes, I believe writing is one of the greatest. Why because it helps me.  I drink and I talk about why.  I’ve never been a AA person.  I felt weird talking to a bunch ofpeople who are staring at you all about your poor past and present.  I felt like I was in an occult or something.  I’m not knocking it for other people it just didn’t do me any good.  I was the type that thought she could do it herself.  I just like to drink when I smoke.  Yea, heard that before. We use everything as an excuse to make it acceptable for what we are doing.  I use –  I’m angry I need a drink.  Well okay off to the store I go to get my wine get my cig’s and go home and have a couple of drinks or two or four.  Whoops! It’s 5:00am and I’m still drinking.  I’ve only a drop left.  Now what?  Do I stop or do I go and get some more?

I have a rule no drinking in the morning.  I only start drinking after 5pm.  That goes for smoking.  I could go all day and then when it got to around 5pm it was okay to start drinking.  The problem is I don’t know when to stop.  I hate the all nighters.  You would think I would feel bad after all night and now it’s 5am.  Well I just make me a big pot of coffee and I stay busy all day and I don’t feel bad. I’ll owe that to my bipolar.  My mania will kick in and on my way to the rollercoaster ride.

I went back and read my journals fromm the 70’s and I’ve had a drinking and bipolar since then.  After my abusive marriage I think I went crazy.  I was very much in denial.  I felt bad about myself, because my X always told me I wasn’t good enough, no one would want me. I’m all used up.  I didn’t know me anymore.  I use to be a shy person in school and a good girl.  Going to be a virgin until I got married.  I think my parents thought I was.  Hum…

I’ve just been rambling.  I’m just sitting here thinking about my trip to therapy in the morning and if I should get some wine.  What do you think?