This is the way my mind feels! STOP THE INSANITY!!
I was just now sitting on my bed trying to decide what to do next. I can’t seem to make a settled decision. Do I take photos, do I make some jewelry, send out resumes, add items to my ebay – you name all these things and more that are going through my mind right now. So I’m writing. I’m so broke. I have bills to pay, but can’t. I don’t get paid until next Friday – that’s a lot of time when you have to pay for gas, food, bills, etc. I tried to get my cable bill lowered, but found out that it would only cost me 10.00 less to downgrade it. If I was to discontinue service they will charge me a disconnect fee. If I have them come get the box to downgrade my cable, they’ll charge me a fee, but if I take it there it’ll cost me nothing.
I’m working part-time and it’s not enough money. I collect unemployment but that’s not enough. I desperately seeking other work. I’m too old to apply for a office job. I still have my jewelry and my ebay business, but it’s slow. If people would just buy things would look up. I’m so confused that I don’t know what to do next.
Moving to North Carolina is something I really want to do, but I can’t with no money and I can’t save any. I won’t even be able to fly around Christmas to see my new grand baby, because gas and airline prices are outrageous!
My chest is hurting right now, and I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin. The more I think about these things the more my chest hurts. I want a drink to make it all go away.
I’m depressed and want to cry, my dog is driving me crazy! He wants attention that I just can’t give me right now. I’m trying very hard to not go and get any wine. Please God help me – someone help me.
I can’t even afford to go to a doctor to get medication. Cost too much. What am I to do. Kill myself? I don’t want to do that, because I’ll never see my family again and I couldn’t do that to them. But I’m tired. Living with Bipolar, Hep C and addictions takes a lot out of a person. I have no companion – just myself. I wish I had someone close to me that could come over and comfort me. I need a big hug. Someone who understands me and can help. I wish.
July 7, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Hi… I read your post and thought to myself, I don’t even know this person but I do think I have some idea of what you are going through. I too have addictions which I cannot control on my own… methamphetamine, nicotine, just to name a few.
Sometimes the best thing I can do on days like you are having today is just to put one foot in front of the other. And as time passes, I believe it does get better.
Somehow I feel my comments are really lame for what you are experiencing right now… but know that you are not alone.
John
July 7, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Thank you so much. I had to write it I didn’t know what else to do. It did help me just writing it down. I guess I should try that more often when I’m feeling that way. Stop everything and go and write. Addictions are not fun. I have a problem with smoking as well. I really don’t know which one I’m actually addicted and which one is habit. Go figure.
Anytime you want to write or make a suggestion would be great. I don’t have many friends here and am alone.
Thanks John
July 11, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Hi, I’m 26, divorced mother of one four year old little girl. I too am bipolar. So is my mother (she’s your age). So is my boyfriend. I work full time. I go to school part time. Most days I function alright, others I fall apart. It is hard, and most people don’t have a clue that the things they do on a ‘whim’ take us days or weeks to accomplish (or at least that’s how I am). I’m glad you have your business and your family and your creative outlett (mania can turn you into a creative genius, right?? haha). Much like you my mind is always cluttered and racing and “tense” for lack of a better word. My medication helps…oh my gosh does it help, I couldn’t survive without it. PLEASE check into some help with that. There are tons of drug compaines, etc that offer help for those who cannot afford medication. Try this website if you have a chance, it may guide you in the right direction for some help: http://www.needymeds.com/
I was afraid to take medicine and wasn’t very good about making sure I stayed consistent with it (until I met my boyfriend, he is nurse Ratchet, haha). BUT, now that I’m finally regulated and on a nice “cocktail” – I’ve never felt better in my life. Very little mania, NO depression (thank GOD), energy (but not too much), no anxiety, no paranoia. I can finally concentrate on being myself and my goals and my future. I wish that for anyone suffering this illness. I know it seems easier to turn to SA and self medicate – but in the long run you are only hurting yourself and your chances for speedy treatment and recovery. Please, utilize all the resources you have to get well – Community Service Boards, Health Departments, the internet, drug companies, etc. Let me know if I can ever help or if you just want to talk. I watched my mother struggle with this illness for my entire life. Everyone shamed her and abandoned her because they thought she was just a lazy drunk who couldn’t keep a job , what an awful thing to assume about a person who is suffering and doesn’t even know why??? Would someone say that to cancer patient? Someone with heart diesease? Hell no they wouldnt, but she was terribly ill and to make matters worse, with mental illness – it doesn’t show on the outside, no one believes you because they can’t see or touch it. Very frustrating and a stigma I HATE more than racism and almost as much as child abuse. ANYWAY, hah. Now that she is treated, she is a different woman. She still can’t work, but she draws social security and lives a modest happy life. She has a small tenant house that she occupies alone and helps care for the elderly woman that owns it. Myself, my boyfriend and my daugther are her family. She gets down about the fact that her own large family (5 bros and sis’s) don’t associate with her – but for the most part, Im usually able to reminder that it’s THEIR loss, and that she has as much, if not MORE than what they could provide within herself and in me. Im the only person who ever stuck by her side, even thought she didn’t provide the best childhood for me, deep down I always knew it wasn’t her fault and that she WANTED to do better, just didn’t know how. When I began suffering myself, I was able to get help right away rather than spend a lifetime making mistake after mistake, with no hope for improvement or help.
There is hope, and it sounds like you are very determained and have a plan…so just keep your eye on the prize (be it moving, or making it through the day, or saving 100 bucks…whatever!!). Good luck and be STRONG, fight for yourself and your happiness. Don’t be discouraged that others don’t have to fight for thiers – realize that you are special and the depth and awarness that this diesease brings, can also be a reward when you finally control the demons that try and tear it away. ((((hugs)))) Liz
July 15, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Liz, thanks so much for the your works. It’s really great to talk to someone who understands and have been there. My mom has bipolar to and is just now admitting to it since I told her I am and I finally admit it instead of being in denial. My mom can drive, can walk (two artificial knees) and she is 81 years old. She just sits in her back room and isolates herself by watching Gunsmoke all day. She also has dementia (I don’t know how to spell it). I’m so afraid that I’m going to one day hear “Who are you?” Sometimes she just breaks out crying rocking back and forth and she doesn’t know why. I keep trying to tell her why. She once read a lot and exercise, but now she doesn’t care. She is so afraid that dad will pass before her and leave her alone. Really afraid?!? So I understand about you and your mom. Like you say no one can really understand this disease unless you have it or know someone that does.
I stopped working in the corporate world because my bipolar was getting worse and I started drinking too much hoping it would help. NOT! I was always confused, couldn’t concentrate, anxiety, paranoid – you name it. People couldn’t understand. I work part time at a retail store and love it. I also sell on ebay http://stores.ebay.com/Jewells-Dreams-Shop-of-Treasures, and sell my handmade jewelry on etsy.com at http://www.jewellsdreams.etsy.com. Just a little plug for my business.
Anyway there are times that my mania just gets crazy and I do and say things without thinking about. I react without thinking it over. My boss and I have had a serious talk about it and have come up with a code when she starts seeing the symptoms. She is so understanding and will be there if you need her. It’s hard work, but it keeps me busy along with my business. I love all it! For the first time in a lifetime I am happy. I’m broke, but happy. I realized that I don’t need to get stressed out or overwhelmed, because that’s when everything kicks in. I try and stay calm. I want to and try to practice yoga. I want to learn how to meditate and only here silence not racing thoughts.
I’m so happy you’re in a good place. Yes, I need to find the right medication. I’ve heard being on Prozac can hurt instead of help you, but it’s been good for my depression, but not good for my mania. At least I recognize it now and accept. Hopefully, I will come into some money and go see the right doctor. I hate taking medicines!
I have a new grandbaby! Unfortunately, my son, wife and the grandbaby live in Wilmington, NC, while I live in Dallas, TX. I plan to move there really soon. It’s been hard, because I don’t want to leave my parents, but I’ve been living for everyone else, but myself for a long time and need to change that. I’m 56 and not getting younger. I’m just so afraid that something will happen to me and I will never get to feel that wonderful feeling of having a family and being a grandma.
Again, thanks for listening and I would like to keep in touch. Tell your mom HI!
September 4, 2008 at 3:32 pm
You know, sometimes just putting the dog on a leash and going for a walk outside helps. Sometimes the way the wind is blowing can distract you from all of the worries and addictions that plague your mind. And walking won’t give you a hangover…
I also understand that when I feel this way, I don’t want anyone to see me. I am there today. I drank too much last night and didn’t go to work today. This kind of stuff will likely get me fired, but I don’t seem to be able to help myself today.
Anyway, a good healthy distraction is what we all need, I hope my advice helps you.
September 4, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I totally agree with you on walking the dog. I also found that writing helps me. I started a blog called “Writing for Therapy” and when I feel really bad or have something to say I start writing. I didn’t know I had much to say until I start writing. I have been changing my daily patterns and that sometimes help. But then the devil himself keeps trying to interfere in my life. When I get stronger I will be able to block him out. I hope.
Thanks for the advise.