I haven’t been writing because I’m dealing with another problem and have a lot of emotional baggage. I can’t even come up with a design for my jewelry. I’ve joined a bipolar group and have signed up to see if I can be accepted in a research trial on a new drug for bipolar. I’ve been told I have dual Bipolar – manic and alcohol addict. I didn’t know what the name was but it all fits. Every time I felt anxious, sad, overwhelmed or any kind of emotion that I get with bipolar I want to drink to make it go away. I’m on to something and I’m compulsively seeking help. That’s what I do. I will let you know how my appointment will go and if I get accepted into the research. I will get free therapy, blood tests, drugs, and even paid for it. Sounds good to me.
When I was in rehab they didn’t discuss too much about the bipolar, but about the drinking. I still think if they had treated the depression and bipolar, I might not be drinking. That’s what this new drug does it stops the craving of alcohol so you can calm down. I hope I get it. If this works it’s been a long time coming. I’m mad that I spent all that time in rehab and no one treated the bipolar. Only with all kinds of medications. People that came to see me couldn’t believe what they saw. I was a zombie. I was in my own little world there and just wanted to be left alone.
I’ll be back with more.
This is the way my mind feels! STOP THE INSANITY!!
I was just now sitting on my bed trying to decide what to do next. I can’t seem to make a settled decision. Do I take photos, do I make some jewelry, send out resumes, add items to my ebay – you name all these things and more that are going through my mind right now. So I’m writing. I’m so broke. I have bills to pay, but can’t. I don’t get paid until next Friday – that’s a lot of time when you have to pay for gas, food, bills, etc. I tried to get my cable bill lowered, but found out that it would only cost me 10.00 less to downgrade it. If I was to discontinue service they will charge me a disconnect fee. If I have them come get the box to downgrade my cable, they’ll charge me a fee, but if I take it there it’ll cost me nothing.
I’m working part-time and it’s not enough money. I collect unemployment but that’s not enough. I desperately seeking other work. I’m too old to apply for a office job. I still have my jewelry and my ebay business, but it’s slow. If people would just buy things would look up. I’m so confused that I don’t know what to do next.
Moving to North Carolina is something I really want to do, but I can’t with no money and I can’t save any. I won’t even be able to fly around Christmas to see my new grand baby, because gas and airline prices are outrageous!
My chest is hurting right now, and I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin. The more I think about these things the more my chest hurts. I want a drink to make it all go away.
I’m depressed and want to cry, my dog is driving me crazy! He wants attention that I just can’t give me right now. I’m trying very hard to not go and get any wine. Please God help me – someone help me.
I can’t even afford to go to a doctor to get medication. Cost too much. What am I to do. Kill myself? I don’t want to do that, because I’ll never see my family again and I couldn’t do that to them. But I’m tired. Living with Bipolar, Hep C and addictions takes a lot out of a person. I have no companion – just myself. I wish I had someone close to me that could come over and comfort me. I need a big hug. Someone who understands me and can help. I wish.
jewells08
