Sorry, It’s Been So Long

I haven’t been writing because I’m dealing with another problem and have a lot of emotional baggage.  I can’t even come up with a design for my jewelry.  I’ve joined a bipolar group and have signed up to see if I can be accepted in a research trial on a new drug for bipolar.  I’ve been told I have dual Bipolar – manic and alcohol addict.  I didn’t know what the name was but it all fits.  Every time I felt anxious, sad, overwhelmed or any kind of emotion that I get with bipolar I want to drink to make it go away.  I’m on to something and I’m compulsively seeking help.  That’s what I do.  I will let you know how my appointment will go and if I get accepted into the research.  I will get free therapy, blood tests, drugs, and even paid for it.  Sounds good to me.

When I was in rehab they didn’t discuss too much about the bipolar, but about the drinking.  I still think if they had treated the depression and bipolar, I might not be drinking.  That’s what this new drug does it stops the craving of alcohol so you can calm down.  I hope I get it.  If this works it’s been a long time coming.  I’m mad that I spent all that time in rehab and no one treated the bipolar.  Only with all kinds of medications.  People that came to see me couldn’t believe what they saw. I was a zombie.  I was in my own little world there and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ll be back with more.

Stop the Insanity – Bipolar!!

This is the way my mind feels!  STOP THE INSANITY!!

 

I was just now sitting on my bed trying to decide what to do next.  I can’t seem to make a settled decision.  Do I take photos, do I make some jewelry, send out resumes, add items to my ebay – you name all these things and more that are going through my mind right now. So I’m writing.  I’m so broke.  I have bills to pay, but can’t.  I don’t get paid until next Friday – that’s a lot of time when you have to pay for gas, food, bills, etc.  I tried to get my cable bill lowered, but found out that it would only cost me 10.00 less to downgrade it.  If I was to discontinue service they will charge me a disconnect fee.  If I have them come get the box to downgrade my cable, they’ll charge me a fee, but if I take it there it’ll cost me nothing. 

I’m working part-time and it’s not enough money.  I collect unemployment but that’s not enough.  I desperately seeking other work. I’m too old to apply for a office job.  I still have my jewelry and my ebay business, but it’s slow.  If people would just buy things would look up.  I’m so confused that I don’t know what to do next.

Moving to North Carolina is something I really want to do, but I can’t with no money and I can’t save any.  I won’t even be able to fly around Christmas to see my new grand baby, because gas and airline prices are outrageous! 

My chest is hurting right now, and I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin.  The more I think about these things the more my chest hurts.  I want a drink to make it all go away. 

I’m depressed and want to cry, my dog is driving me crazy! He wants attention that I just can’t give me right now.  I’m trying very hard to not go and get any wine.  Please God help me – someone help me. 

I can’t even afford to go to a doctor to get medication.  Cost too much.  What am I to do.  Kill myself?  I don’t want to do that, because I’ll never see my family again and I couldn’t do that to them.  But I’m tired.  Living with Bipolar, Hep C and addictions takes a lot out of a person.  I have no companion – just myself.  I wish I had someone close to me that could come over and comfort me.  I need a big hug.  Someone who understands me and can help.   I wish.