The reason I’m writing this is not only for myself, but also for someone out there that can relate and we can help each other. You see I’m still drinking. I drink to take the anxiety of the manic depression away that seems to be getting worse as I get older and I don’t know what to do. But I’m working it and really trying. I’m listening to my inner voice saying it was time to do something for yourself and follow your dreams. My dreams are happening right now. I’ve got my handmade jewelry on a website, and I’ve opened an Ebay shop. This is the beginning of my dreams and I don’t want to give up. I just know if I don’t stop drinking that dream could be ruined. I NEED HELP.

Come back with me. I will be chronicling my journey in rehab through the pain, hate, grief, and discovery I made in this place. And, to where I am now.

From the Middle:

After I got news that my son was going in the army my boyfriend broke up with me, people were leaving me and then I found out I had Bipolar (manic depression), and that I have Hepatitis C. I thought, what a cruel world. So I lost it.

I didn’t know it at the time that I was planning my death. I went to the store and stocked up on wine and cigarettes. I locked the store to my apartment, sat in my big fat recliner, which I will call my drinking chair at the time. Then I proceeded to drink and drink for 5 days and 24 hours around the clock. I never stopped, and never went to bed. I didn’t shower; brush my teeth, change clothes, nothing. Looking back, I’d say I was crazy and really depressed. I sat and watched sad movies that made me cry.

You know why I was doing all of this. I was depressed, lonely, and felt unloved. Things were just piling up and the clicker was when my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me with a very young redhead. I caught them in bed and that was worse then someone hitting me. I went crazy when I found out. I’ve never felt like that and I don’t want to feel that way again. I loved the guy.

Although I believe I have had a drinking problem since my marriage, I felt that this episode started my binge drinking. When I felt down and didn’t want to feel or think I would drink. It made me forget things, however, they just came back the next day, and that’s what I couldn’t figure out for a while.

After 5 or 6 days, I lost count I really hit my low by thinking of suicide. I was in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t feel like anyone would miss me on this earth. Then it happened. I broke a piece of glass and started sawing on my wrist. I just started screaming and crying and asking for help. Why was I doing this? I don’t want to die God! I don’t want to die! Then suddenly, there was a flash of light with the reflection of my son in the mirror I was holding. I believed it to be the intervention of God. I fell to my knees and started crying and begging for help.

I couldn’t call my parents so I called a friend of mine. She hurried over and was startled at what she saw. “My Goodness! What are you doing? She asked.” “Please call my doctor, I said.” He suggested that I be taken to this home for people with mental illness and alcoholism. I thought they would put me in the mental health wing, but instead they put me in the alcoholism nut ward.

The rehab gave me lithium for days. I never felt so much pain and misery. Just lying in this small twin bed and sweating and aching so much. My hair, clothes, and sheets were soaking wet. This went on for 24 hours.

I kept asking myself. Is this real or is it a nightmare? Am I dreaming this? I was in no means a happy camper for the next few days, hours, weeks until I made a decision.

Coming next…. Was treatment working?